Blue Monday

The North Wind doth blow; we soon shall have snow—

We do have snow today, Chicago’s first snowfall of the season. All day yesterday the wind howled and raged, banging against our windows. We stayed inside, not eager to be pelted by icy sleet, dead leaves and kicked-up dirt. From my 25th floor view the street below looks like a child’s careful arrangement of Legos and building blocks dusted with confectioner sugar. The sky is so impossibly white, so heavy with the next blow, that the lake, usually a sparkling blue-green, has actually disappeared into it. I am seized with an impulse to walk the lakefront as I used to when I was a moody teenager. A few years ago, when I still lived in Hyde Park, I could do that since Lake Michigan was literally scant minutes away from my front doorstep. Here at my Bronzeville address the view of the lake is better but it is actually farther away, more trouble to reach. It’s fascinating to me that the water always looks so much closer than it really is.

I should have gone out today. I might still, for a walk around the block if nowhere else; it’s just a bit past 3.

Of course, time will not stand still while I type…

I spent most of the day cleaning up the joint and rearranging my furniture. I always do this when I’m restless, a little anxious, and don’t know what else to do with myself; it’s someplace—not the most desirable of places, but someplace—to take the energy. I haven’t wanted to do much of anything lately, not even write, so maybe today’s pre-spring cleaning is a good sign. I hope so. I’ve been feeling very melancholy and dispirited but then the winter holidays don’t often bring out the best in me. Last night my mother asked if we should order ham for Christmas dinner to supplement the turkey breast in the freezer and on the instant I was snappish and short-tempered, irritably reminding her that after all my efforts with last week’s Thanksgiving meal someone else in this family could bloody well do the cooking for the next holiday—don’t even go there. She retreated, meekly, and for the rest of the evening I felt like a shit.

*sigh*

I may have to be locked away for the entire month of December (and possibly January too) to ensure I don’t kill anybody.